TRIGGER WARNING: This show deals with rape and sexual assault. If these subjects are sensitive to you, maybe this show and my post are not for you at this time.

Also SPOILER ALERT AHEAD.

Michaela Coel’s “I May Destroy You” (2020) is a powerful, smart and thought-provoking show. I don’t use the possessive form lightly as Michaela Coel writes, directs, produces and stars in this show. “I May Destroy You” explores sexual assault, race, millennial life and the rabbit hole that social media can become when dealing with these issues. Coel doesn’t beat around the bush and deals with these issues in a no-bullshit mode, through the eyes of different protagonists and different experiences. It’s at times hard to watch, at others, incredibly awkward. It also has some really funny moments, an empowering message and, overall, is a completely mind-blowing show. Michaela Coel may have destroyed me with her work. Let her do the same to you.

Firstly, let’s start with the title. “I May Destroy You”, it says. We automatically think it’s Arabella (played by Coel) saying these words, but it could be anyone in the show. Maybe it’s her predator talking, or it might even be Kwame (Paapa Essiedu) who is also sexually assaulted but doesn’t find the same empathy Arabella received when he reports his attacker to a male policeman. It could even be Terry speaking out of guilt, as it was she who gave Simon permission to leave Arabella alone at the bar even though she was terribly drunk (and, we later learn, drugged). It might be Biagio and his guilt about selling drugs. Maybe it’s Theodora’s teenage self speaking, as she almost destroyed a young black kid’s life. Or her older self, as she clearly is looking to destroy the patriarchy. Let’s not forget about Zain, this builder of stories who has also destroyed women by sexually assaulting them and then gaslighting them. It’s clear we find ourselves with a long list of destructive characters, all of whom come together in an effort to rebuild themselves from that which shattered them, or rebuilding those feelings or relationships they broke.

Michaela has stated that her personal experience with personal assault led her to create this show. However, this show talks about so much more, as she explains in this interview with Trevor Noah. It actually feels like a cathartic exercise. It’s like an explosion of different feelings, situations and people Michaela has had around her. And when I say explosion, I don’t mean to sound as if it is messy. Because it isn’t. The show might feel scattered at first, but Coel clearly knows what she is doing. Her storytelling is impeccable if you pay attention and listen. It’s precise, it’s self-conscious, it’s open to studying issues from every single perspective possible. It talks about consent, yes. It takes consent and shines a light on it and it feels like you’re looking at it through a prism, with all it’s nuances and complications.

I actually love how in the same interview with Trevor Noah, Michaela explains that Bella can be a jerk in the show. And she brings up the scene where she tells off Kwame for sleeping with a woman without telling her he was gay. That scene left me feeling really conflicted, because I truly believe Arabella has a point. What Kwame did was wrong. It didn’t come from a bad place, in fact, it came from an incredibly vulnerable and broken place. In any case, Kwame felt bad enough about what he did and Arabella was not being understanding. She was being a terrible friend. And yet… having gone through sexual assault herself, I can completely understand where she’s coming from. This is an incredibly sensitive subject for her. So I have really complicated feelings about that scene. I could go on. Because this is what the show does, it creates these situations where we question ourselves and the characters.

Admittedly, watching this show has made me a Michaela Coel fan for sure. I know her previous show “Chewing Gum” (2015-2017) is beloved by many and is currently in my to-watch list. I also went down the YouTube rabbit hole watching interviews with her. She has such an incredible presence. And I just love the fact that she said no to a million dollar deal with Netflix for “I May Destroy You” because it meant she would be giving away her intellectual property (IP). She talks about this in this amazing GQ interview which I highly recommend writers and creatives watch. Hey, no hate towards Netflix, because it is a platform that allows for many creators to develop their dream projects when the traditional means of production wouldn’t allow them to do it. But it seems that (in this case at least) this project was so close to Michaela that she refused. It’s important for creatives to be aware of these nuances when fighting for their projects. IP is the most important thing you own, be aware of that.

Honestly, words cannot express how much I loved this show and one of my favorite episodes was the last one. It’s just so powerful for me. So in the previous episode, Ben and Bella are at the garden at their place. Bella tells him she’s going to the bar and invites him. He’s not convinced. It doesn’t matter to Arabella, she’s going to go back to that bar like she has every weekend since she was raped.

However, this time she sees her attacker there. Finally! The moment she’s been dreaming about is here. Right? Hell yeah, that’s right! And it’s time for revenge. So Bella, Terry and Theo come up with a plan. Without getting into too much detail, she definitely gets her revenge (and then some). She basically ends with her attacker’s body under her bed. But is that really what she needs? No. This doesn’t feel right. So back to square one. Square one being the garden scene with Ben. Once again she invites him to the bar. He says no. She goes there and meets her attacker again. In this scenario, she confronts him. He breaks down and starts verbally abusing her, using arguments she had used herself before to undermine her experience: “there are actual wars out there…”, then he starts crying. He’s trying to justify his actions. If it wasn’t already clear to you that all these scenarios are all taking place in Arabella’s mind, this is the final clue. All characters clearly use the same arguments or words that Bella has used before. Anyway, so this time, Arabella shows compassion. But the police come and take him away. Huh. Nope, that doesn’t feel right either. So, square one. Ben declines. She goes back. This time, she doesn’t give her attacker a chance to drug her. She takes initiative. She leads him to the bar’s bathroom and starts having sex with him. She takes him back to her place. They have sex. Consensual sex, that is. She is in charge, though. She’s on top, she dominates. She’s actually penetrating him. This encounter is on her own terms. They wake up the next morning. They look at each other. 

“Were you hoping I’d creep out in the night?”, he asks her.

“No”, she replies.

Because his presence, his power over her will not simply go away. It’s probably what she’s been hoping for all this time, to meet him again. To get some kind of closure so that she can get him out of her mind. She wants his presence out of her life.

“I’m not going to go unless you tell me to”, he says.

And that’s when she realizes the truth. She has the power to let go. She has the power to push him out. She dictates how much power this person has over her life.

“Go”, she says firmly.

“OK”, he replies.

He leaves. Together with the body of the previous revenge scenario, who carries a sonogram of her previously aborted fetus. They both leave her room. That’s when Arabella realizes the key part of her book is her moment with Ben. So we once again go back to that moment.

Ben asks her if she’s going to the bar and she says no. She’s not doing that anymore. They decide to spend the afternoon together. Just chilling. And with that, she lets go. And in letting go, she finally manages to finish her book. She maybe doesn’t have that perfect closure she was initially hoping for. You know, that perfectly round ending for her book. But does get the closure she needs. The ending she deserves and that she made for herself. She chose her friends. She chose to go on with her life.

In the final scene she is reading an excerpt from her book. That book that has been so hard for her. She takes a deep breath. Cut to her past self, exhaling. She can finally breathe. She can finally let go. Not of the experience. But of the power it had over her. She can’t control what happened to her, but she can control how she lets it affect her. And in this knowing, she’s able to share her story. The story SHE wrote. It’s HER STORY. In every sense. 

And with this ending, Michaela Coel may have destroyed me. Forget “may”. She did. She destroyed me. The title of the show was Michaela actually talking to me.